Finding Me

Okay, sappy post time. I'm still struggling with everything and losing the ability to believe that I am strong, capable, and worthwhile. My job is burying me a little more every day. More days than not I'm stuck in meetings until the point it's too late to go to the gym, or I'm just too mentally drained to care. Then I drive home through the miles of orange cones and traffic lights and wonder what possessed me to take a job so far from home. I usually make it home just in time to eat with my husband and kids. Some nights I'm too late though and I eat alone. Either way, by the time the dishes are done and the kids are cleaned up, I am ready to fall down. My homework hasn't been getting done, my blog hasn't been getting updated (but you know that), and my house hasn't been maintained at the level my family is accustomed to. Through all of this my self-esteem has sunk just a little further with every perceived failure. Every time I don't have the answer at a meeting or I miss dinner with my kids again or I skip another week of homework I feel another little piece of me disappear. Today I made the decision to try to reverse course. I knew I was headed for disaster. I haven't been a good wife, mother or employee and I can't keep punishing my family and myself because my job sucks. So today I started simple. I went to the gym. My trainer, Ryan, didn't get on my case for missing the last two weeks. He simply kicked the ever-loving shit out of me. And it felt good! My breathing was ragged, sweat was pouring, my face was cherry red and I knew I was in the worst shape I've been in for the last two years. And I also knew that I didn't have to let it get any worse. I am pretty sure it's too late to save my semester of college but that doesn't mean the fall semester can't be better. And even though I hate my job I can still look for another one and study for my personal training certification. And I can change the sorry state of my physical fitness. Even though Ryan's tough love left my legs feeling like jelly I wasn't ready to call it a day. I ran 3.5 miles today on top of my half hour session. It's nowhere near what I was running just a measly 5 weeks ago but that's okay. Because I'm coming back and I'm not going to let all the crap get me down anymore! FitFluential has given me the opportunity of a lifetime and here I am squandering it while I wallow in self-pity. What an idiot I've been! But no more! I'm going to make them remember why they picked me and I want you to join me! Fill out your application here and tell them I sent you! And then go run, k?!