It's finally your rest day. Not knowing what to do with your life you grudgingly agree to a night out with your girls. They feel you are lacking in something they refer to as a 'social life'. "Doesn't sarcastically smiling at the creeper in the mirror at the gym count as socializing?", you wonder. But no one else agrees so you allow them to drag you to the hottest new club playing music that makes you wish for a shot of preworkout and a barbell.
Only halfway through your first vodka on the rocks (gotta watch those carbs!) you are wondering if makeup and heels were originally designed as torture devices. Next thing you know some DYEL is grinding on your booty and muttering something about 'toned' and 'thick thighs'. You know you could hulk smash him but the next thing out of his mouth stops you mid-swing. "Can I buy you dinner?", he yells over the music. Before you can even finish your enthusiastic nod, you find yourself out the door. Somehow you find yourself sitting on his couch with an empty takeout container in front of you and an overeager dadbod hipster drooling on your neck. Then the real struggle begins:
1) Because you wore a sports bra
He's fumbling around looking for a clasp that doesn't exist and you absently wonder if you should buy some 'real' lingerie. Quickly dismissing that thought, you take pity and pull your sports bra off yourself, wincing at the shoulder DOMS from yesterday's workout. Your new meal ticket's face falls as he realizes there isn't actually any appreciable boobage hiding under your sweaty sportswear. But he quickly recovers and moves on to appreciating the bountiful squat booty instead.
2) Maybe you should have showered
Like most fit chicks, you've adopted the mantra that women don't sweat, they sparkle. Unnecessary showers take valuable time away from things like lifting and eating. You try to remember the last time you washed your hair or shaved, and fail. Maybe he will be so in awe of your physique that he won't notice you feel, and smell, like a gorilla. Quickly pushing him onto the bed you realize your mistake because
3) You're stronger than he is
He screams in agony clutching his concave chest where you gently (or so you thought) pushed him. You vacillate between assisting him and disgust. Your mind can't quite wrap around the realization that this skinny being has larger breasts than you. "Has this beta, PBR drinking, vegan cellar dweller ever picked up anything heavier than his Starbucks cup?", you wonder as you grasp wildly for a way to save the evening, but
4) Your metabolism won't wait for anyone
As you mumble a half-hearted apology your stomach lets out a roar like a chainsaw. A glance at the bedside clock reminds you that you're late for meal 6. You contemplate cannibalism but throw that idea out the window. There's no way this skinny fat missing link would fit your macros. Quickly fumbling for your clothes, you mutter an excuse about your grandmother's cat and stumble to the door to call an Uber while visions of peanut butter dance through your mind.
5) Getting laid is no longer worth the hassle
Finally home, you throw your heels into the darkest depths of the closet and dive into the sweats you left on the floor hours earlier. As your tupperware of chicken and broccoli rotates more slowly than paint drying you notice the coupon code for that new line of sportswear on the fridge. Ordering some new gear is just what you need to forget tonight! Sinking into the couch with a shaker bottle and a Quest bar, you feel grateful that the gym will always love you, no matter how bad you smell or how many callouses you have.Cardio would only ruin your gains anyway.
*Disclaimer: This post was created as a counterpoint to doyoueven.com's satirical article on the male perspective. Have a sense of humor!
