What if?

Things have not been smooth sailing around here lately. I'll just start out with the fact that this post will contain some medical stuff so if you're squeamish you may want to skip reading this one.

I had an appointment with my doctor a couple weeks before the marathon. During my check up I mentioned that I was interested in permanent birth control and we set up the surgery for this past Friday. Thursday night I did the whole pre-op checklist: shower with no fragrances or oils, no hair gels or perfume, no eating after midnight, etc. I was feeling optimistic that I'd feeling good and back at work by Monday, Tuesday at the latest. I chatted with my boyfriend and he eased my nerves enough for me to get a restful night's sleep.

However, things didn't go as planned and I suffered a bladder injury during surgery. I ended up being admitted to the hospital from Friday through most of Saturday and left with a catheter. I'm on light duty for at least two weeks at work but it all depends on the outcome of my visit with a urologist tomorrow. For now everything I'm used to hangs in the balance, dependent upon my ability to, ahem, go to the bathroom on my own tomorrow.

There's a 99% certainty that everything will be fine. But that small chance that it won't is weighing on me.

What if I ended up with a catheter long term? What if there's permanent damage that impacts me in other ways? Could I run again? Can I be a good parent? Could I still be a great girlfriend? I can't even wear my normal pants right now. I'm restricted to a recliner or my bed for the most part. I've had to ask my mother to do my laundry and clean my fish tank and care for my girls. And it all boils down to one feeling that I can actually name, inadequacy.

All the things that I know as 'me' could disappear in a heartbeat. If not this incident, something else could happen in the future. I always wondered how people facing long medical battles stay positive, keep going. And now I'm even more in awe of my friends who've dealt, or are dealing, with more traumatic experiences.

I look in the mirror and I see a pale(er?) face, a body sheathed in baggy sweats, and a bloated, bruised, and bandaged stomach that wouldn't come close to the almost-abs I had last week. Physically,I'm completely changed for the moment. Mentally, I am screaming. Why me? How did this happen? Why did it happen? Will I ever be 100% normal again? I know all of the chances say yes but there was almost no chance of this injury happening in the first place, statistically speaking.

I'm so grateful for my friends and family who have been supporting me this past week. Every call, text, and message has helped me hold on to my patience and sanity. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. Think positive for me and make sure you take some time to enjoy the things you love today. There's always that very small chance they won't be there tomorrow.