I am Not an Athlete

When I started running just 5 short years ago I wanted to be lean and defined and 'athletic'. I wanted the body and the attitude that went with it. I assumed that once I completed the Couch to 5k program I would feel like an athlete and be well on my way to looking like one too.

Then I finished my first 5k in 29:59 and realized that I am not fast in any sense of the word. I didn't have an excuse for not being able to beat that mark for a long time. I wasn't overweight. I quit smoking. I followed training plans. But I was still slow.

After my first half marathon

 

I convinced myself that I must be a distance runner. You know, all slow twitch. So I set my sights on a half marathon and finished in 2:29. I was still slow and I still looked exactly the same. The pattern continued and I tried the marathon, the 50k, the 50 mile. And the results were the same. I finished in the back of the pack, sometimes even dead last.

Shane and I after my first ultra in 2009

 

Every distance I tried I succeeded in finishing but it was never good enough. When I failed at 100 miles it was a real shock. When I failed a second time I was doubly convinced that I must not be cut out for it. So I hired a coach and gave training my all and finally 'succeeded' on my third try. I thought for sure that NOW I would feel like an athlete.

 

Well, the truth is, I don't. I still finished at the back of the pack. I didn't do anything impressive. All I did was endure. That's all I've ever done; Hold on until the finish line is in sight and then heave myself across. I still don't look any different. I still don't feel any different.

 

I'm not saying running hasn't given me anything or changed my life. I am more confident because I feel more comfortable in my skin. But it's still the same skin. And I have made tons of great friends and travelled and gotten to experience many great things. But I'm still just me. I am still just average and I'm still scatter-brained and eccentric.

 

The Pretty Muddy experience

 

I don't know what it will take to convince me that I'm 'good enough'. Obviously, distance wasn't the answer. I'm not sure there IS an answer. Maybe that's the telltale sign of a competitor. Maybe I'm overly competitive. Maybe I'm just insane. In the end, all I know is that I still want to be better. The question now is what kind of better? And I think the answer is speed.

Boston Harvest 5k 2012

 

I want to consider myself fast. I want to take a podium spot because I ran a great race, not because the fast women were somewhere else that day. I want to be able to dream of Boston. I want to be in the front waves of my next marathon. I'm not sure how I'll get there or what it will take but I plan to find out. And I can only hope that the same initiative and drive that got me over 100 miles will push me to new race times as well. At least now I have a base to build on!

 

When did you feel like an athlete? What are your favorite speed workouts or training plans?