Little Miss Type A: Why Being Competitive is Okay

I recently shared this picture after a run:

It generated over FIVE HUNDRED likes and one hundred comments. Most of them were positive but there were a handful that were absolutely terrible. Let me start with the history behind the photo before I dive into the commentary.

It was a regular Wednesday. I happened to finish my work assignment for the day early. I do field work in industrial settings so when a project is finished, I am finished. Usually this means I get to work on sites for 10-20 hours per day but sometimes things go in my favor. This day was one of them and I decided to make the most of it by fitting in a midweek longer run.

I headed to North Park to run the 5 mile loop around the lake. It's not flat but it isn't mountains either. I began my journey at my usual pace and tuned into the pounding beats emanating from my ear buds. As I finished my second mile a squad of police cadets ran out of a parking lot and began to run in two columns about a tenth to a quarter mile ahead of me. They were close enough that I could see each individual but far enough that I couldn't read the names emblazoned on the back of their t-shirts.

An idea germinated in my mind. I could use these fit fellows as motivation for my run. I began to speed up just trying to get close enough to read their shirts. A group of four cadets broke away from the squad and ran ahead. I felt the drive inside of me begin to whisper, "You can catch them." I poured on just a little more gas and before I knew it my frequent hill runs were paying dividends. I passed the main group on an uphill and gave them a smile and a nod. They returned the greeting and that was that.

Isn't the use of timing devices a way to gauge our progress?

As I slowly gained on the breakaway group, I thought to myself that it was kind of amusing that I had just 'chicked' a group of really fit men. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and snapped the above picture without breaking stride. I assumed it would be too blurry to share but didn't care too much. I continued on with my run, catching and passing the breakaway group, and happened to see another squad of cadets coming the other way. One of them was walking and he looked miserable. I shouted, "You've got this! Keep it up!" He smiled and began to jog again. I finished my run without seeing any other cadets and didn't think much of sharing my picture.

Then the comments began to roll in. At first it was mostly 'LOLs' and 'You go girl!' But then a few people suggested that I wasn't giving the cadets a fair shake. After all, they were doing a formation run which means they were only as fast as the slowest runner. I saw the point but they obviously were able to go at their own pace or else there wouldn't have been a breakaway pack for me to catch. Then there were comments that I would get my a$$ kicked if those guys were on their own or if I tried that with a military member or whatever. At first I argued... I mean I beat men and women on a regular basis and I WAS a Marine.

Then I gave up. The comments came one hundred percent from men. I began to wonder if strong women are that much of a threat or if there's still a negative association with competitive women. Almost all of the comments used the word competition like a four letter curse or as if it was something dirty. In the end, my post ended up being taken down by the moderators and I was left to wonder what was so wrong with passing someone on my run and feeling good about it.

Am I only allowed to be competitive during a race?

Being competitive is associated with being an ugly person in our society. People see it as being greedy and narcissistic. We feel guilty for having competitive feelings and we make other people uncomfortable if they express their own. However, competition can come from personal challenge instead of winning. It's not an 'all or nothing' mentality and it's healthy and natural when it's handled correctly.

Human nature is an elusive concept but everyone has competitive feelings. The coworker who just got a promotion, the attractive friend who gets more dates, the complete stranger who got the parking spot or has a nicer car... They all bring out unsettling feelings and we instantly try to temper or dampen those emotions. 

Mr. Wonderful set out to win his last race... and he did!

Accepting competitive feelings can be hard. Yet when we do, we begin to understand what it is that we really want. Thoughts and feelings are NOT the same as actions. And therefore, feeling competitive and using those emotions as motivation to better yourself is OKAY. 

When we hide our competitive nature we become cynical. "Why is SHE the one who gets all the attention? It's only because her dress is so short." Or we become gossips. "I heard he only got the promotion because he golfs with the VP." Maybe you're thrilled your best friend just bought the sports car you've both ogled since third grade but at the same time you're secretly gloating over how high the gas and maintenance costs are going to be. Pretty soon you are distancing yourself from someone close to you because you have begun to see them as 'materialistic'. Meanwhile, it's only your inner competitor that you refuse to acknowledge. You pretend you don't want those 'things' (car, house, promotion, or race trophy) because competition is uncomfortable and you deny yourself to avoid those feelings. And BAM!, you're leading a life you don't really want.

I wanted my first win... badly

I'm here to say that if you want something then go after it. Don't hurt others to get it but don't deny yourself things that bring you joy either. If you and I find ourselves locked in a dead sprint to the finish line at our next race I hope you know that I'll congratulate you wholeheartedly if you beat me. I hope you can do the same should I take the lead. And, if you pass me on my next training run, let me just thank you now for motivating me to push a little harder, to try to keep you in sight, to be that much faster the next time we meet. And, should I pass you, please know that I'm not looking down on you. In fact I hope you'll challenge me the next time we meet. I hope your training is beyond spectacular and you can share with me all the wisdom you've gleaned and your new favorite speed work drills. I'll gladly share my water with you if you'll share your banana with me.... after the competition is over.

I am a woman. I am competitive. And it's nothing against you.

I often imagine winning a big race in a full sprint to the finish with a worthy opponent during my runs.

Are you competitive? Do you feel insulted if someone passes you on a training run? Does it feel good to pass someone? When is it too much?

I am Not an Athlete

When I started running just 5 short years ago I wanted to be lean and defined and 'athletic'. I wanted the body and the attitude that went with it. I assumed that once I completed the Couch to 5k program I would feel like an athlete and be well on my way to looking like one too.

Then I finished my first 5k in 29:59 and realized that I am not fast in any sense of the word. I didn't have an excuse for not being able to beat that mark for a long time. I wasn't overweight. I quit smoking. I followed training plans. But I was still slow.

After my first half marathon

 

I convinced myself that I must be a distance runner. You know, all slow twitch. So I set my sights on a half marathon and finished in 2:29. I was still slow and I still looked exactly the same. The pattern continued and I tried the marathon, the 50k, the 50 mile. And the results were the same. I finished in the back of the pack, sometimes even dead last.

Shane and I after my first ultra in 2009

 

Every distance I tried I succeeded in finishing but it was never good enough. When I failed at 100 miles it was a real shock. When I failed a second time I was doubly convinced that I must not be cut out for it. So I hired a coach and gave training my all and finally 'succeeded' on my third try. I thought for sure that NOW I would feel like an athlete.

 

Well, the truth is, I don't. I still finished at the back of the pack. I didn't do anything impressive. All I did was endure. That's all I've ever done; Hold on until the finish line is in sight and then heave myself across. I still don't look any different. I still don't feel any different.

 

I'm not saying running hasn't given me anything or changed my life. I am more confident because I feel more comfortable in my skin. But it's still the same skin. And I have made tons of great friends and travelled and gotten to experience many great things. But I'm still just me. I am still just average and I'm still scatter-brained and eccentric.

 

The Pretty Muddy experience

 

I don't know what it will take to convince me that I'm 'good enough'. Obviously, distance wasn't the answer. I'm not sure there IS an answer. Maybe that's the telltale sign of a competitor. Maybe I'm overly competitive. Maybe I'm just insane. In the end, all I know is that I still want to be better. The question now is what kind of better? And I think the answer is speed.

Boston Harvest 5k 2012

 

I want to consider myself fast. I want to take a podium spot because I ran a great race, not because the fast women were somewhere else that day. I want to be able to dream of Boston. I want to be in the front waves of my next marathon. I'm not sure how I'll get there or what it will take but I plan to find out. And I can only hope that the same initiative and drive that got me over 100 miles will push me to new race times as well. At least now I have a base to build on!

 

When did you feel like an athlete? What are your favorite speed workouts or training plans?

Treadmill Troubles

As a mom of two and wife of a night shift worker, not to mention Pennsylvania native, I am often confined to the treadmill. This week was the end of my poor hamster wheel though. *insert sad face here*

Between Shane and I the treadmill has survived 3,500 miles of pounding in just three years. Sometime last night it decided to expire. I called the manufacturer and took off the hood to access the insides. What I found was complete carnage. Our newly replaced drive belt is already fraying apart. The roller pins are bent, almost broken. The walking belt is destroyed and ready to break at any moment. And the electronics are going haywire. It only turns on every few tries and in between it flashes random numbers and words, even while in the off position.

 Little pieces of our new drive belt everywhere.

 

 

Bent roller and more shredded belt.

 

So now we are relegated to outside running or no running at all while we search for an industrial strength treadmill that won't break our budget. Hopefully we will find one soon!

 

 

In the meantime, the outdoors is offering up challenges of its own. Oh boy!

 

 

Double Dip is Quite the Treat!

If you haven't realized we're a little crazy around here by now then you must be new (so welcome!). On that note, my husband decided he was ready for his first 'double dip', that is 2 races in 2 days. We signed up for the Cold Man's 5k in Oil City on 12/3 and the Trot for Tots in Oakdale on 12/4.

I have been training pretty hard so I didn't expect too much. You're probably thinking that doesn't make sense but, yes, it does. I feel like I'm walking a very thin line between training hard and over-training. I was hoping to PR, maybe get my sub-25 goal, and I had a vague hope that I could take third overall if I had a really great run (based on the last years results). I was pretty sure my husband had a better shot than I did at all of those things though!

I guess Christmas miracles do happen because we showed up at the Cold Man and I saw right away that there were few women who had that 'hungry' look most of the winners have. I saw quite a few young teens wearing highschool track gear so I figured they would probably crush me. I talked to one of them while I was waiting at the start line and she said she hadn't been running much since the last track season. I felt a vague hope come back then. My husband wasn't so lucky and the local super-runner showed up at the last minute.

Right around this time is when we were bombarded by Mr. Know-It-All. I guess these guys are everywhere. They've run 5 half marathons this year and lost 80 pounds in the last two years so they must have a corner on the running market right? This guy bugged my husband and I (and everyone around us) about our training methods, our mileage, our recent injuries, and everything else under the sun and then tried to tell us what we were doing wrong. I very calmly warned my husband that if he didn't beat Mr. Know-It-All by a large margin I would happily beat him with a stick for subjecting me to this torture on a Saturday morning.



Mercifully the race director began a speech about not getting shot on the wooded trail (thanks hunters with no common sense) and avoiding direct collisions with the returning faster runners. I listened with half an ear as Mr. Know-It-All gave his input on each point ("Take off your reindeer antlers now!" *giggle giggle*). I guess I had good motivation from my urge to get far away from him. The race director shouted go and I took off like a bullet... for about .2 seconds.

The people who lined up at the very front? All walkers. Sigh. I dashed up a grassy hillside and ran along as best I could until I was past them all. Upon returning to the trail there was one of the young track girls in front of me. I decided I would just try to stick to her and maybe, just maybe, I could take second or third afterall. Imagine my surprise when, maybe a half mile out, she suddenly grabbed her side and came to a dead stop! I'm never happy about another runners pain but I'm pretty sure she just went out too fast and got a side stitch so I gladly passed her.



But then I realized, to my horror, that I was first woman! This early on it had to be a mistake! I began to worry if I was going to have a marvelous and awe-inspiring blow up that would leave me walking the last mile. Right about this time Mr. Know-It-All passed me. That was the motivation I needed right there. He'd already told me he averages a 23 minute 5k so I knew I wasn't going to beat him but I sure as heck wasn't letting him annhilate me either! I latched on to a group consisting of Mr. Know-It-All, a man running with two little boys (YES! See my post on Running with Kids!), and a few other men.

The man who appeared to be the father of the younger boys seemed to be struck by a side stitch as well. He suddenly pulled off to the side and yelled for the boys to continue without him. Those little boys KILLED it, super fast! As we approached the turnaround I saw my husband and he told me there was no one for at least 100 feet behind me. I was losing the group but I told myself I could hold it together for the last half. The volunteer at the turnaround shouted 11:57 as I skidded around the cone and then he said, "You're the first woman." I almost died right there as all the doubts crowded back in again.

I heard footsteps behind me as I neared the two mile mark and a man pounded past me. I breathed a sigh of relief as soon as I saw it wasn't a woman but I started to really freak out because I was losing it by this point. I should have been easily making my sub-25 goal but the third mile seemed to take FOREVER! My legs felt like lead, my lungs were dry, and my throat was on fire. I couldn't escape the feeling of panic that told me the second woman would be creeping up on me any second. I didn't like the feeling of having a huge target on my back!



As mile 3 came to a close I knew I had it if I just pushed. I risked a glance back and the second woman was about 30 seconds behind me. My husband was yelling at me from the finish line and the clock was nearing 25 minutes with every tick. I wanted to cry as I watched it tick past that mark I've been working so hard to break! My official time was 25:10. To be fair, I can't complain, it's still a 22 second PR and I got my first overall award out of it!




My husband wasn't quite so lucky. He missed a PR by about 10 seconds and ended up 9th overall. He did get first in his age group though and he beat Mr. Know-It-All so I didn't have to whip him when we got home!

Overall I'm surprised how it feels to win. It's a little bit hollow. There was no real competition, no last minute sprint to the finish. I don't feel like I really 'earned' this win. Maybe it's just the super-competitive side of me but it honestly just doesn't feel real. I showed my trophy to my mom and then tucked it onto the shelf in the basement and went for a 9 mile run to process what had just happened.

It actually felt a little bit 'better' to lose on Sunday at the Trot for Tots. I was sore and stiff and exhausted after my 12.1 miles the previous day. I went out at 'normal' pace for a 5k and just did my best to maintain. My competitive drive even kicked up a bit at the end and I tried to out-sprint a woman at the end. It didn't work with my dead legs but I tried anyway! And the trying, the really working to beat myself and someone better than me, felt good! Really good! I finished just under 27 minutes and 11th in my age group, a pretty 'slow' time for me now but something I never would have imagined doing a year ago.



All in all, it was a great weekend! And as cliche as it sounds, I'm really glad I finally understand that it's not about 'winning' so much as trying make myself better than I was yesterday. The joy is not in beating everyone else. It really is about beating myself. Whoever would've thought running would make me wax philosophical? Maybe I'm getting soft in my old age!