Little Miss Type A: Why Being Competitive is Okay

I recently shared this picture after a run:

It generated over FIVE HUNDRED likes and one hundred comments. Most of them were positive but there were a handful that were absolutely terrible. Let me start with the history behind the photo before I dive into the commentary.

It was a regular Wednesday. I happened to finish my work assignment for the day early. I do field work in industrial settings so when a project is finished, I am finished. Usually this means I get to work on sites for 10-20 hours per day but sometimes things go in my favor. This day was one of them and I decided to make the most of it by fitting in a midweek longer run.

I headed to North Park to run the 5 mile loop around the lake. It's not flat but it isn't mountains either. I began my journey at my usual pace and tuned into the pounding beats emanating from my ear buds. As I finished my second mile a squad of police cadets ran out of a parking lot and began to run in two columns about a tenth to a quarter mile ahead of me. They were close enough that I could see each individual but far enough that I couldn't read the names emblazoned on the back of their t-shirts.

An idea germinated in my mind. I could use these fit fellows as motivation for my run. I began to speed up just trying to get close enough to read their shirts. A group of four cadets broke away from the squad and ran ahead. I felt the drive inside of me begin to whisper, "You can catch them." I poured on just a little more gas and before I knew it my frequent hill runs were paying dividends. I passed the main group on an uphill and gave them a smile and a nod. They returned the greeting and that was that.

Isn't the use of timing devices a way to gauge our progress?

As I slowly gained on the breakaway group, I thought to myself that it was kind of amusing that I had just 'chicked' a group of really fit men. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and snapped the above picture without breaking stride. I assumed it would be too blurry to share but didn't care too much. I continued on with my run, catching and passing the breakaway group, and happened to see another squad of cadets coming the other way. One of them was walking and he looked miserable. I shouted, "You've got this! Keep it up!" He smiled and began to jog again. I finished my run without seeing any other cadets and didn't think much of sharing my picture.

Then the comments began to roll in. At first it was mostly 'LOLs' and 'You go girl!' But then a few people suggested that I wasn't giving the cadets a fair shake. After all, they were doing a formation run which means they were only as fast as the slowest runner. I saw the point but they obviously were able to go at their own pace or else there wouldn't have been a breakaway pack for me to catch. Then there were comments that I would get my a$$ kicked if those guys were on their own or if I tried that with a military member or whatever. At first I argued... I mean I beat men and women on a regular basis and I WAS a Marine.

Then I gave up. The comments came one hundred percent from men. I began to wonder if strong women are that much of a threat or if there's still a negative association with competitive women. Almost all of the comments used the word competition like a four letter curse or as if it was something dirty. In the end, my post ended up being taken down by the moderators and I was left to wonder what was so wrong with passing someone on my run and feeling good about it.

Am I only allowed to be competitive during a race?

Being competitive is associated with being an ugly person in our society. People see it as being greedy and narcissistic. We feel guilty for having competitive feelings and we make other people uncomfortable if they express their own. However, competition can come from personal challenge instead of winning. It's not an 'all or nothing' mentality and it's healthy and natural when it's handled correctly.

Human nature is an elusive concept but everyone has competitive feelings. The coworker who just got a promotion, the attractive friend who gets more dates, the complete stranger who got the parking spot or has a nicer car... They all bring out unsettling feelings and we instantly try to temper or dampen those emotions. 

Mr. Wonderful set out to win his last race... and he did!

Accepting competitive feelings can be hard. Yet when we do, we begin to understand what it is that we really want. Thoughts and feelings are NOT the same as actions. And therefore, feeling competitive and using those emotions as motivation to better yourself is OKAY. 

When we hide our competitive nature we become cynical. "Why is SHE the one who gets all the attention? It's only because her dress is so short." Or we become gossips. "I heard he only got the promotion because he golfs with the VP." Maybe you're thrilled your best friend just bought the sports car you've both ogled since third grade but at the same time you're secretly gloating over how high the gas and maintenance costs are going to be. Pretty soon you are distancing yourself from someone close to you because you have begun to see them as 'materialistic'. Meanwhile, it's only your inner competitor that you refuse to acknowledge. You pretend you don't want those 'things' (car, house, promotion, or race trophy) because competition is uncomfortable and you deny yourself to avoid those feelings. And BAM!, you're leading a life you don't really want.

I wanted my first win... badly

I'm here to say that if you want something then go after it. Don't hurt others to get it but don't deny yourself things that bring you joy either. If you and I find ourselves locked in a dead sprint to the finish line at our next race I hope you know that I'll congratulate you wholeheartedly if you beat me. I hope you can do the same should I take the lead. And, if you pass me on my next training run, let me just thank you now for motivating me to push a little harder, to try to keep you in sight, to be that much faster the next time we meet. And, should I pass you, please know that I'm not looking down on you. In fact I hope you'll challenge me the next time we meet. I hope your training is beyond spectacular and you can share with me all the wisdom you've gleaned and your new favorite speed work drills. I'll gladly share my water with you if you'll share your banana with me.... after the competition is over.

I am a woman. I am competitive. And it's nothing against you.

I often imagine winning a big race in a full sprint to the finish with a worthy opponent during my runs.

Are you competitive? Do you feel insulted if someone passes you on a training run? Does it feel good to pass someone? When is it too much?

Crazy: Week 1

Last week was my first full week back to running. I was pleasantly surprised by how well my body responded to the sudden return to training. Now if I can just keep walking that thin line between training and over-training everything will be okay!

I ended up with 30.3 miles for the week at an average pace of 10:04 per mile. I'm not setting any land speed records but I'll take it. I also managed a 'long' run of 10 miles using a run/walk technique. I would run until my watch beeped a mile and then walk for 1 minute. I ended up with an exactly 10:40 pace and now I'm thinking this may be how I aim to complete the marathon.

Fastest 5 miler in awhile (spoiler: I beat it this week)

I also have begun adding in more cross training than when I was running previously. My cycling buddy has been busy but I'm planning to get back on my bike as soon as we can. So while I'm off the saddle I have been doing things like push ups, jump rope, kayaking, and back to school shopping. If you can walk the entire mall three times to get EVERYTHING on your list then it counts!

Kayaking

Just try to carry all those bags!

And now I'm into week 2 of 'training' and 36 days away from my 8th marathon. I'm doing the typical freak outs over my diet, sleep, and every ache. So far it all seems par for the course with me. And Mr. Wonderful is doing just fine down south. He's throwing down some long and fast runs while still CrossFitting often. I have a feeling keeping up with him will be almost as much of a challenge as the marathon!

My motivation. 

Finding Motivation

I'm slowly rebuilding myself from my three months of apathy. I used some frustration today to push myself to a new 'long' run, a whopping 6.32 miles. While it would have been a short run just a few months ago, it is now the longest I've gone in 3 months. The good news is I feel fine and I even averaged a good (for me) pace.

I also found a new 'game' for passing time on the treadmill:

After every third song I increased the speed by 0.1MPH. I started at 6.1MPH and continued until I was at 6.8MPH. Then I was less than 5 minutes away from an hour so I just started mashing the up button. If I remember correctly I finished at 7.2MPH. I ended up with an average pace of 9:29 so I was pretty happy with that and I was never really bored because I was counting songs instead of miles or minutes. I think I'll keep this as a progression run game!

I took that moment of motivation and ran with it. I registered for the Lt. J.C. Stone 50k on March 22, 2014. I have 99 days to get myself back from 6 miles to 31. I feel like it's a very achievable goal and it has a sentimental value because this race was my first 'real' ultra (since the Rachel Carson is not billed as a race).

J.C. Stone 50k 2011

 

I haven't chosen a plan yet. I don't even know if I'll follow one. It will be hard to run long on the weekends that I have both girls. I'm guessing I will have to alternate long runs with tempos and hills on the weekends in between. Then there's the problem of the midweek longer run. My gym imposes a 30 minute time limit on equipment when they are busy. I usually feel like I'm getting weird looks after an hour even when there's fewer people. And with New Year Resolutioners just around the corner, I just don't see 10 milers happening during the week. It's going to be a challenge but it's one I'm looking forward to.

 

Hopefully this is what I needed to find the willpower I built over the 9 months of Burning River training! See you on the roads!

I am Not an Athlete

When I started running just 5 short years ago I wanted to be lean and defined and 'athletic'. I wanted the body and the attitude that went with it. I assumed that once I completed the Couch to 5k program I would feel like an athlete and be well on my way to looking like one too.

Then I finished my first 5k in 29:59 and realized that I am not fast in any sense of the word. I didn't have an excuse for not being able to beat that mark for a long time. I wasn't overweight. I quit smoking. I followed training plans. But I was still slow.

After my first half marathon

 

I convinced myself that I must be a distance runner. You know, all slow twitch. So I set my sights on a half marathon and finished in 2:29. I was still slow and I still looked exactly the same. The pattern continued and I tried the marathon, the 50k, the 50 mile. And the results were the same. I finished in the back of the pack, sometimes even dead last.

Shane and I after my first ultra in 2009

 

Every distance I tried I succeeded in finishing but it was never good enough. When I failed at 100 miles it was a real shock. When I failed a second time I was doubly convinced that I must not be cut out for it. So I hired a coach and gave training my all and finally 'succeeded' on my third try. I thought for sure that NOW I would feel like an athlete.

 

Well, the truth is, I don't. I still finished at the back of the pack. I didn't do anything impressive. All I did was endure. That's all I've ever done; Hold on until the finish line is in sight and then heave myself across. I still don't look any different. I still don't feel any different.

 

I'm not saying running hasn't given me anything or changed my life. I am more confident because I feel more comfortable in my skin. But it's still the same skin. And I have made tons of great friends and travelled and gotten to experience many great things. But I'm still just me. I am still just average and I'm still scatter-brained and eccentric.

 

The Pretty Muddy experience

 

I don't know what it will take to convince me that I'm 'good enough'. Obviously, distance wasn't the answer. I'm not sure there IS an answer. Maybe that's the telltale sign of a competitor. Maybe I'm overly competitive. Maybe I'm just insane. In the end, all I know is that I still want to be better. The question now is what kind of better? And I think the answer is speed.

Boston Harvest 5k 2012

 

I want to consider myself fast. I want to take a podium spot because I ran a great race, not because the fast women were somewhere else that day. I want to be able to dream of Boston. I want to be in the front waves of my next marathon. I'm not sure how I'll get there or what it will take but I plan to find out. And I can only hope that the same initiative and drive that got me over 100 miles will push me to new race times as well. At least now I have a base to build on!

 

When did you feel like an athlete? What are your favorite speed workouts or training plans?

The Journey

This week has been rough. I'm not complaining though. I expect hard and I want tough. I knew when I registered for Burning River 100 that 'easy' was a thing of the past. Sure I might have easy runs or recovery runs on my schedule but they'll come after hard workouts and more mileage than I have ever consistently run before. I'm going to feel muscles I didn't know I had and I'm going to have to train through illnesses and minor injuries. No more 'playing it safe'.

And, as I thought about this today, I was reminded again how deeply running and life mirror eachother. I started coming down with a cold early this week. By Thursday I felt awful with stuffy head, runny nose, sore throat, headache, body aches and fever. However, I sucked it up and went to work. I felt thankful it was a rest day, sure that I would wake up tomorrow feeling better. But then tomorrow came and I felt WORSE. All through work I wanted nothing more than to curl up in bed. There was no way I could run.

I had a hard workout on the schedule Friday and my long run scheduled for today. I put some effort into figuring out what to do. And I came up with pushing everything back one day. Run my time trial today and my long run Sunday. I'm extremely happy that I woke up feeling better, not 100% but better, today. Because you know what they say about the best laid plans...

As I hit the treadmill (my safety net in case I was still too sick and had to cut it short) for a warm up, 5k time trial, and cool down I thought about how there are no short cuts in life or running. I want a degree so I do the homework and studying sometimes late at night when I should be sleeping. I want to have a meaningful blog so I make time to write about things and leave myself notes with ideas all over. I want to run one hundred miles so I will put in a thousand miles (or more) of training. And that reminded me of my favorite quote and necklace...

 

The front of a necklace is a compass rose and the back says, "The journey begins today." It is a reminder of the quote from Lao-Tzu and I purchased it when I was just beginning to run. I have no idea of the company who made it or anything about it except I have been wearing it for the past four and a half years and it reminds me that I made the first step, the hardest step. Now it's up to me to finish the journey.

On July 28, 2013 when I cross the Burning River finish line I will finally feel that I've completed the journey I set out on in 2008. It doesn't mean my journey will be over, just that it will head in another direction. I can't wait to see what 2013 holds!

Do you have a favorite quote? A favorite piece of jewelry? What inspires you to give it your all every day?

Crazy Busy, or Maybe Just Crazy

I'm sure most of you are aware that I've never fully committed to a training plan before. In fact I probably slacked more than I adhered in the past. I promised myself that I would not repeat that pattern this year and so far I'm keeping that pattern. I'm working very hard to find a balance between pushing through complications and taking extra rest when I need it.

"Rest is a good thing, but boredom is its brother." - Voltaire

I find myself feeling out of sorts and lazy on rest days now. And I finally understand the tweet I saw from Ryan Hall about a year ago that said, "You know you're in marathon training when you get sore just vacuuming the house." Next week is a cutback week for me and I'm looking forward to it and dreading it all at the same time.

This week has been exciting for me as a runner. I've been pushing the boundaries of what I thought I was capable of and I should go over 50 miles for the week. This is a first without a marathon or ultra to 'artificially' bolster my totals. Of course, we got an ice storm last night so there's an inch of ice with 3 inches of snow on top outside today. I'm gambling with the chance that the weather will be better tomorrow and planning to switch Sunday's recovery miles with today's long run miles. I was contemplating doing my long run today on the treadmill but I'm not ready to do it if I don't have to. Too many of my miles are treadmill miles as it is!



The ferocity of my desire to complete this training and push my body to its limits still surprises me. I'm not sure where this was two years ago when I first started running longer distance races but I'll take it. If I had 'committed' to doing lunch runs a year ago I would most likely have ended up with an expensive gym membership that got used once or twice a month. Or maybe just a bag of running gear in my car that would eventually become nothing but an annoying reminder of what I wasn't doing. A year ago I would run on the treadmill in the evenings sometimes but if I was tired or hungry or it was cold in the basement I'd end up on the couch instead.

Now I find myself organizing my work schedule so I can have longer lunch runs and then coming home and finding time to get on the treadmill too. I've even started contemplating just how much sleep is really necessary and whether or not I could get in 3-5 miles in the mornings before work. I'm not ready to commit to THAT yet but maybe someday...

To top it off I've been busy blogging too. Now you're confused right?! I mean there hasn't been a new post here for a week right?! Well, sort of... I wrote a "What's in my Gym Bag" post for Running, Loving, Living. I also wrote a post for the FitFluential blog on keeping your kids active during the winter.

Of course, I'm still working hard to raise money for the IAFF Burn Fund and the giveaway/raffle is still open until the end of the month! A winner was selected for the Centrum ProNutrients giveaway and I was super excited to see that Elle from Eat, Run, Sail got her choice of supplement. Her blog is always full of great stories so check it out!

Things are about to get even crazier though. My college courses start back up full time on Monday and I have some courses that sound awesome but tough: Sports Nutrition, Current Health Issues, Anatomy & Physiology II, and Ethics in Sport. I know that my education is a great investment and it's going to help me to help others but it also feels like marathon training x 2! So please bear with me if I'm a little scatter-brained over the next couple months. I promise it's only temporary and I'll be back to blogging full steam by summer!

Happy running everyone!

P.S. I found this picture today on a camera card from my mom. I had to do a before and after just to believe how much I've really changed. I didn't know I had a problem in the before and I can't believe I actually look like the after now!

Motivation, or the Lack Thereof

The holidays are in high gear and so is all the craziness that goes with them. I’ve been doing really well the past four weeks in training for the Umstead 100 Mile Endurance Run. I haven’t skipped a run or even a single mile. Now, in week five, I’m facing a sudden mountain of doubts and a loss of motivation. It’s not easy to keep up with being a wife, mother, employee, student, and runner (blogging isn’t a chore so I won’t list it!). I’m fighting to write and mail cards, find the perfect last minute gifts to round out my shopping, bake some goodies, and our tree is still only half decorated. The bottom half at that because that’s all the higher my daughter could reach. Yes, I made my kid decorate so I didn’t have to!



I pushed through the first two days of this week and went to the gym despite not feeling any desire to do so. Today I realized I hadn’t gotten my coworkers anything and I felt guilty. So I skipped my lunch run and bought a pack of cards and some lottery tickets. I spent the remainder of my time filling them out and putting them in envelopes. I’m sure my coworkers are happy, at least one got a winner so far, but I’m angry and disappointed with myself. What a cop out! I could have bought cards and lottery tickets on the way home and done that tonight with a glass of wine while the kids slept. Now I’ll be trying to motivate myself to hit the treadmill instead.



I love running for a lot of reasons and the feeling of accomplishment after a run is not the least of them. So why am I so unmotivated? I’m not sure. Perhaps it’s the sense of impending failure. I’ve already attempted one hundred miles once and failed so why should this time be different? I’ve never failed at any other distance. I’ve always succeeded on the first try even if it wasn’t pretty. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m sacrificing forming relationships over lunch with coworkers to hit the gym instead. It’s also entirely possible that I’m really good at sabotaging myself for no good reason.



I’ve got 14 weeks left (and 4 days, but who’s counting?) to get my body and mind ready to run 100 miles. I know I need to put in the training. I’ve punished myself by running marathons and ultras under-trained. I know I can’t make 100 miles on my current fitness level. I also know that I want that buckle more than any other medal or trophy in my growing collection. It’s not about winning, it’s not about beating anyone except myself.

So I’m going to get out of my own head and just do it. I’m putting it out there now. Unless I am injured or VERY sick I will not miss a mile. I might rearrange the days within a week to meet situations that arise (switching long runs from Saturday to Sunday has happened twice already) but I won’t sabotage my chances just because ‘I don’t feel like it today’. I know tomorrow it will be easier to skip if I start today and the only runs I will regret are the ones I didn’t do.

If you don’t see a post from me tonight with 5 miles DONE please come track me down and drag me kicking and screaming out the door. Words of encouragement, words of eternal damnation in runners’ purgatory, whatever you’ve got for me, just throw them out there! I need every bit of help I can get!

Double Dip is Quite the Treat!

If you haven't realized we're a little crazy around here by now then you must be new (so welcome!). On that note, my husband decided he was ready for his first 'double dip', that is 2 races in 2 days. We signed up for the Cold Man's 5k in Oil City on 12/3 and the Trot for Tots in Oakdale on 12/4.

I have been training pretty hard so I didn't expect too much. You're probably thinking that doesn't make sense but, yes, it does. I feel like I'm walking a very thin line between training hard and over-training. I was hoping to PR, maybe get my sub-25 goal, and I had a vague hope that I could take third overall if I had a really great run (based on the last years results). I was pretty sure my husband had a better shot than I did at all of those things though!

I guess Christmas miracles do happen because we showed up at the Cold Man and I saw right away that there were few women who had that 'hungry' look most of the winners have. I saw quite a few young teens wearing highschool track gear so I figured they would probably crush me. I talked to one of them while I was waiting at the start line and she said she hadn't been running much since the last track season. I felt a vague hope come back then. My husband wasn't so lucky and the local super-runner showed up at the last minute.

Right around this time is when we were bombarded by Mr. Know-It-All. I guess these guys are everywhere. They've run 5 half marathons this year and lost 80 pounds in the last two years so they must have a corner on the running market right? This guy bugged my husband and I (and everyone around us) about our training methods, our mileage, our recent injuries, and everything else under the sun and then tried to tell us what we were doing wrong. I very calmly warned my husband that if he didn't beat Mr. Know-It-All by a large margin I would happily beat him with a stick for subjecting me to this torture on a Saturday morning.



Mercifully the race director began a speech about not getting shot on the wooded trail (thanks hunters with no common sense) and avoiding direct collisions with the returning faster runners. I listened with half an ear as Mr. Know-It-All gave his input on each point ("Take off your reindeer antlers now!" *giggle giggle*). I guess I had good motivation from my urge to get far away from him. The race director shouted go and I took off like a bullet... for about .2 seconds.

The people who lined up at the very front? All walkers. Sigh. I dashed up a grassy hillside and ran along as best I could until I was past them all. Upon returning to the trail there was one of the young track girls in front of me. I decided I would just try to stick to her and maybe, just maybe, I could take second or third afterall. Imagine my surprise when, maybe a half mile out, she suddenly grabbed her side and came to a dead stop! I'm never happy about another runners pain but I'm pretty sure she just went out too fast and got a side stitch so I gladly passed her.



But then I realized, to my horror, that I was first woman! This early on it had to be a mistake! I began to worry if I was going to have a marvelous and awe-inspiring blow up that would leave me walking the last mile. Right about this time Mr. Know-It-All passed me. That was the motivation I needed right there. He'd already told me he averages a 23 minute 5k so I knew I wasn't going to beat him but I sure as heck wasn't letting him annhilate me either! I latched on to a group consisting of Mr. Know-It-All, a man running with two little boys (YES! See my post on Running with Kids!), and a few other men.

The man who appeared to be the father of the younger boys seemed to be struck by a side stitch as well. He suddenly pulled off to the side and yelled for the boys to continue without him. Those little boys KILLED it, super fast! As we approached the turnaround I saw my husband and he told me there was no one for at least 100 feet behind me. I was losing the group but I told myself I could hold it together for the last half. The volunteer at the turnaround shouted 11:57 as I skidded around the cone and then he said, "You're the first woman." I almost died right there as all the doubts crowded back in again.

I heard footsteps behind me as I neared the two mile mark and a man pounded past me. I breathed a sigh of relief as soon as I saw it wasn't a woman but I started to really freak out because I was losing it by this point. I should have been easily making my sub-25 goal but the third mile seemed to take FOREVER! My legs felt like lead, my lungs were dry, and my throat was on fire. I couldn't escape the feeling of panic that told me the second woman would be creeping up on me any second. I didn't like the feeling of having a huge target on my back!



As mile 3 came to a close I knew I had it if I just pushed. I risked a glance back and the second woman was about 30 seconds behind me. My husband was yelling at me from the finish line and the clock was nearing 25 minutes with every tick. I wanted to cry as I watched it tick past that mark I've been working so hard to break! My official time was 25:10. To be fair, I can't complain, it's still a 22 second PR and I got my first overall award out of it!




My husband wasn't quite so lucky. He missed a PR by about 10 seconds and ended up 9th overall. He did get first in his age group though and he beat Mr. Know-It-All so I didn't have to whip him when we got home!

Overall I'm surprised how it feels to win. It's a little bit hollow. There was no real competition, no last minute sprint to the finish. I don't feel like I really 'earned' this win. Maybe it's just the super-competitive side of me but it honestly just doesn't feel real. I showed my trophy to my mom and then tucked it onto the shelf in the basement and went for a 9 mile run to process what had just happened.

It actually felt a little bit 'better' to lose on Sunday at the Trot for Tots. I was sore and stiff and exhausted after my 12.1 miles the previous day. I went out at 'normal' pace for a 5k and just did my best to maintain. My competitive drive even kicked up a bit at the end and I tried to out-sprint a woman at the end. It didn't work with my dead legs but I tried anyway! And the trying, the really working to beat myself and someone better than me, felt good! Really good! I finished just under 27 minutes and 11th in my age group, a pretty 'slow' time for me now but something I never would have imagined doing a year ago.



All in all, it was a great weekend! And as cliche as it sounds, I'm really glad I finally understand that it's not about 'winning' so much as trying make myself better than I was yesterday. The joy is not in beating everyone else. It really is about beating myself. Whoever would've thought running would make me wax philosophical? Maybe I'm getting soft in my old age!